But Not Tonight
by ShellSueD
Summary: Short little one shot - Stephanie/Ranger Angst - Let's say it's probably mostly an alternate universe.


_As always, I do not profit in any way shape or form from this_

* * *

Ranger was naked.

Only a thin sheet covered the lower half of his body. His chest rose and fell in even breaths, but he was not asleep.

The rain pounded mercilessly on the roof; it was so loud he'd begun to think it might actually be hailing.

It was one of the things keeping him awake.

The other one was curled up into his side; her hair spilled out across his arm in a mass of dark curls.

The air in his bedroom was still heavy with the scent of sex and he inhaled deeply, reveling in the smell. It mixed with the gentle fragrance she always wore and the combination was driving him a bit insane.

She moaned softly and he gently tugged at the sheet, pulling it up and over them more fully; he didn't want her to get cold.

She stirred a little in his arms.

He knew she wasn't sleeping either, and soon she would be leaving.

She would be gentle, so as not to wake him. She would get dressed as quietly as possible and sneak out the door.

That's how it was every time. He would pretend to be asleep; sometimes he even faked a little snore.

He would let her walk out; let her leave him alone and lost like she'd been doing from the beginning.

_But not tonight._

She began to pull away from him, per usual. Little by little she eased herself from his body until she was at the edge of the bed.

She swung her feet over the side and stood slowly, deliberately.

He watched her gather her clothes from the floor where hours before they'd been tossed aside in a flurry of passion and lust.

Soundlessly her smooth bare skin disappeared from his sight until she was once again fully clothed.

She made her way quietly to the door.

"Babe?"

His voice was barely audible over the insistent drumming of rain, and he fully expected her to continue on as if she hadn't heard him.

But she paused, her hand on the doorknob.

"We can't - _I_ can't keep doing this."

Thunder crashed deafeningly, shaking the walls of the house almost violently.

"Doing what?" she asked, but she didn't turn around.

He knew she knew exactly what he meant.

"I can't keep hoping that maybe this time will finally be the one when you don't leave me alone in the middle of the night. When I fall asleep with you in my arms and you're actually still here when I wake up in the morning."

He swallowed hard trying to contain everything he was feeling. He knew this could be it, that he might push her too hard and lose her forever, but he had to take the chance. He couldn't live like this, not anymore. He couldn't be her solace any longer. He wanted - he _needed_ more.

The silence that met his words was not what he expected. He wasn't sure what he thought she would say, but he was pretty positive it would be _something_, not this horrible stillness that was louder than the rain.

"Don't do this Ranger," she said without turning around. She couldn't - _wouldn't_ face him.

He sat up in bed; his fingers curled tightly the sheets. "Don't do what? Tell you how I feel? Don't tell you how my heart breaks every time you walk out that door? How I lay here and ache for you, long after you're gone? Don't tell you how much it hurts that I'm an escape for you, that I'm just something to ease the pain when it gets too much? Is that what you don't want me to do?"

Still she did not turn around; he could see her knuckles growing white from gripping so tightly onto the handle of the door.

He was angry and knew he was probably going to drive her away for good, but it was too late to stop now. He had to say it. He had to tell her everything.

"You need to let him go, Steph. It's been six years - he's been dead for six years."

And there it was. The catalyst of everything.

She inhaled sharply; shocked he'd actually said it. They'd never mentioned him-not once since his funeral.

But he knew.

He knew the burden she carried. He knew she blamed herself for his death. The night Joe had died, she had been here with Ranger - in his arms, in his bed - and the guilt consumed her.

She spun around, fire in her eyes. Her mouth opened but the words didn't come. She turned back to the door and ripped it open.

"Steph wait! _Please_!" Ranger was up off the bed, wrapping the sheet around his waist as he ran to catch up with her.

"Please," he begged. "Let me say what I have to say, and then you can run - but do yourself a favor and don't look back, because I won't be here anymore."

She stopped at his front door; he could see her shoulders heaving as she tried to hold everything inside.

"Babe, _please_."

"Okay," she said lowly, "let's get this over with."

He tried not to let the harshness of her words deter him. There were things he needed to say, things he'd been needing to say to her for the better part of six years, and this was probably going to be his last shot.

"I understand, Steph. I know you think I don't and that I never could - but I do. I get it. I haven't always, but I do now."

She didn't protest so he barreled on.

"For the first time in my life I know what it's like to love someone so much that it hurts. I know, Steph, because I love you like that. I love you so much, that every time you walk out that door, I feel like I want to die. So, I get it."

It was the first time he'd ever told her that he loved her and she didn't respond, not that he expected her to.

"I know you feel guilty," he continued. "Every time we're together you feel like you're betraying him, but guess what? He's gone. You can't betray someone that doesn't exist anymore. There's not a damn thing for you to feel guilty about. It wasn't your fault. You aren't the one that pulled the trigger. You have to let this go and allow yourself to move on."

Thunder crashed again and she flinched.

"I can't," she whispered and hugged her arms to herself.

Ranger swallowed the sob creeping up his throat. "Then I can't do this anymore either. My heart can't take it. I can't hold you in my arms, and kiss you, and touch you, and make love to you and then watch you walk away every night with only hope that you might return. So if you're going to leave tonight Steph, don't come back - ever."

She nodded; at least he thought she had-it was nearly imperceptible. Her hand found the knob and she turned it, pulling the door open.

The pouring rain tripled in volume and he had to practically shout over the sound.

"Do you know what makes this worse?" he asked walking towards her until he was mere inches from her face. "I know that you love me too, Steph. I _know_. I can feel it. Every time we kiss, every time we touch. You can't fake that. Knowing that makes this so much harder."

Her hand flew to her mouth, but it wasn't quick enough to muffle the sob. He cupped her cheek, his thumb lightly caressing her skin. "He's gone Steph, and I'm here, right in front of you."

She pulled away from his touch and ran out into the night, into the driving rain.

The tears came to him unbidden. He cried until there was nothing left.

Somehow he managed to drag himself to the bedroom and throw on some clothes. He felt like he was suffocating and so he opened the door and walked out into the rain like Stephanie had done only minutes before.

He didn't expect to find her standing there on the walk that leads to his front door. She just stood there, the relentless rain pounding into her skin.

His feet seemed to move of their own accord, carrying him to her. He stopped not a foot from her.

"You were right," she said.

"Which part?"

"All of it. I need to let go. I need to move on - with you."

He didn't say anything - he didn't even know if he could.

"I'm sorry for putting you through this," she continued. "For putting _us_ through this. It wasn't…intentional. I would never hurt you on purpose."

"I love you, Ranger. I've always loved you. I'll love you forever," she finished on a whisper.

Even with the clamoring rain, he heard every word. They were the words he would have given anything to hear her say, just once.

"You're all wet," he replied with a hint of a smile turning the corners of his lips.

"So are you." She smiled then. He couldn't remember the last time he had seen her smile. It was a glorious sight.

He swept her into his arms without another word and carried her into the house.

The storm broke with the dawn, and when the morning light of the sun trickled in through the window above his bed, she was tucked securely in his arms.


End file.
